being back home after 5 weeks | 25/07/25
Okay, so, if you noticed, which I don't think anybody did, I disappeared for a bit over a month because I was actually overseas for five weeks!And I absolutely loved every moment of it. I spent about 4 days with my friend in London (my view on London has completely changed, I hated it before but now I kinda fw it, wtf...), then went with him back to Zurich (I say back to because I lived there for the last six months of last year, doing a semester exchange) for 3 days, and did a really fun hike :D then flew to Amsterdam to stay with another friend and his family, and they own a cat so I was with very fluffy company a lot.
Finally after 8 days travelling around the Netherlands which I love a lot, I flew up to Denmark and saw my boyfriend for the first time in about six months.
It was really unexpected, but I got emotional seeing him again. Not straight away when he picked us up at the airport, but when we arrived back to his apartment and were sitting at the open window, feeling the breeze on our faces. It just, I don't know, hit me at once. The
constant-feeling of feeling like a part of me was missing when we were apart, the small break-up we had for about a month before we decided to get back together again... my emotions just became too overwhelming and I started crying, telling him that I'd missed him so much.
Anyway, that aside, we spent the next three weeks together, and I had so much fun. I love him so much. He understands my struggles and how to deal with them, he knows my bad habits and always catches on
to when I start doing them like biting or picking my nails, and he's just him, who I love. He introduced me to Star Wars, we watched all the films and the entirety of Andor, and now I'm a massive Star Wars fan with a Yoda lego set from 2019 that I got for $158 off Bricklink sitting back at home in my dorm for me to build. (Yes, we are both big lego fans). We also got r2-d2 (mine) and C3PO (his) lego keychains because I refer to them as the 'robot yaoi boyfriends' so I said that it was us.
I flew out in the afternoon on the 21st of July. I didn't want to cry at the airport because that's obviously a public setting and I didn't want strangers to see me in that state, but when we were saying goodbye at the security line I couldn't hold my tears in. I cried a lot into his chest and
used his sweater to shamelessly wipe the tears off my face. We're not big on PDA at all, the most we'll do in public is hug, but he gave me a goodbye kiss too that I completely didn't expect :( I was so heartbroken. The 21 days with him were the happiest 21 days I've ever had but it felt like it went so quickly, too quickly, and now I am typing this in my childhood bedroom back at the parents' house before I get driven on the weekend back to my dorm for university.
I think, at least, that I may see him in six months time, to go skiing with him and his family. Best case scenario we go to Japan as that's in between us, and also a dream skiing trip of mine. (plus I'm already very poor from having spent 5 weeks overseas and I'm still recovering financially from my swiss exchange). So I guess if I could get through that six months, I could do it again... right?
We'll see. I don't want to get my hopes too high up because it'll hurt so much if it doesn't happen for some reason. But I really do look forward to seeing him again.
Anyway, boyfriend news aside, I did love Europe a lot. I felt safe everywhere, yes, even in London! I'd really love to do my Masters degree at LSE there, but unfortunetaly finances are holding me back big time, and it's extremely extremely unrealistic. A girl can dream, nonetheless. Also, I've fallen big time into the pokemon hole now. I thought it was bad enough before, but I ended up accumulating ten packs by the end of my trip, largely thanks to my boyfriend encouraging me to spend about $90 on the white flare binder set... I will say I did get some incredible pulls though, so I'm happy I did it. And sorting my cards out in my binder is getting fun. I'm currently doing a diagonal rainbow across my pages, as he suggested. I think it looks good!!!
So, yeah, I don't know how to end this. So I will just say bye bye and that I really miss my boyfriend and love him a lot.
no, NONE of the Kardashian-Jenners will ever be 'girl's girls' | 07/06/25
This is going to be a bit different to my regular blog posts. It's more a rant, but it's nothing serious enough
for me to put in my dedicated 'writings' page so I'm typing it down here. Also if you are a fan of the Kardashian/Jenner family you
should probably leave because as you will come to find out, I'm not a big fan of them at all.
The other day I made the mistake of perusing twitter and found a tweet that was a tiktok comment screenshot with someone calling Kylie Jenner a girl's girl
because a girl had made a video asking her for her breast implant details, and Jenner provided them in the comments. The tweet was praising her for her kind act,
and for her status as being again, a girl's girl.
Are you fucking kidding me??! The woman who's entire family is known for their prolific use of plastic surgery to augument their body, fostering insecurities
and self-hatred within girls for decades now? Is this the way feminism is heading? We are fucking doomed if people somehow actually think like this!!
It's for similar reasons why I don't understand why people buy skims shapewear. You're buying overpriced shapewear made by children in China, and you really think
you're going to look like Kim Kardashian wearing it? Seriously?
Anyway... that's it from me.
jewellery ramblings | 26/04/25
Okay, if you've seen my digital jewellery box, you'll know that I love LOVE jewellery - and I don't mean
the cheap gold plated stuff, I mean actual solid gold!! It's hard as I am a broke uni student, but I try my best to buy vintage/second hand pieces or from ethical companies and small businesses.
On the subject of the latter, I follow a lot of independent jewellers who handmake everything they make! My most recent ring is a custom from LRM Jewellery in fact,, photo below :P As much
as I love dainty rings I also love the more 'molten', 'handmade' ring styles. So I've always wanted to make my own jewellery too.
I'm not gonna make anything too fancy to begin with - just start off with a simple melt-style band, try some wax carving with star rings, maybe even a nameplate
if I'm feeling it - but no stone setting yet lol. And then, although I only wear solid gold, I'm going to get the wax models shipped to be cast in silver, or maybe even brass. I just don't
know of a casting house which casts brass yet, and silver is cheap. Once I get those back I can use the sanding tools our makerspace provides and hopefully be able to polish things up
and figure out what areas I need to improve on.
Then, assuming I get to a stage where I'm more confident with my wax carving, pull the trigger and cast in solid gold! Here in Australia (and the UK) our min. standard gold kt is 9k, so that'd be the 'cheapest' gold
option for me. I'd love to cast in 14k (the standard in the US), as a higher kt of gold is just better and half my jewellery is 14k gold anyway. But, with gold prices soaring, that is way too unaffordable right now. Maybe
I'll ask the casting house for a quote nonetheless.
I'm really excited to start this. I know there are TAFE courses that teach this but I'm already a full time uni student who wants
to graduate as soon as possible - there's no way I can handle TAFE and uni at the same time, nor am I going to defer uni to take the course.
I also don't want to take the course after I graduate, because I literally have to go straight into a full time professional
job to be able to survive in the current economy lmao. So I mean... If my uni can provide the tools, then, why not dabble in it every now and then, now?
I will say that I'm going into this with the only goal being to make jewellery for myself, not for other people. (Unless it's a friends' birthday or something,
then I may create something for them. I don't want
to start a business out of this, or become a jeweller or anything. I'm at uni for a reason! I'm going to be graduating with a double degree that
will allow me to (hopefully) work in professional environments. I want to be a policy advisor for either economics at the Federal Treasury, or a foreign policy advisor.
This is just a little hobby for me. I know that by not selling stuff I'm essentially just throwing money into an endless hole... but I've never been the entrepreneurial type anyway.
Even when I was making silly photocards and I had requests to sell them I refused to because I'm just too lazy.
I don't want to deal with the legalities of owning a business or having my one source of income rely on it. My passion
remains purely in the public policy field!
But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm going to wait for my tools and stuff to come, then play around with the block of wax at makerspace. If I remember I'll update on here how it goes to the zero people
reading this.
Now I'm going to actually do my university readings.
oh lol | 22/04/25
boyfie and I are back together now. Managed to bring my confusion up (much to a lot of him having to coax it out of me).
I'm happy, but I'm also scared if things end again. I guess that's only
normal to feel.
I am a l<3vergirl| 15/04/25
So, one thing about me is that I am a lovergirl at heart. If I date someone I want to marry them and
grow old with them and everything, and I only operate like that. No hookups, no situationships - life is too
fucking short for that bs and I'm not wasting my time with somebody!!!! This is why I've only dated
one person my entire life.
...and now him and I have been broken up for a bit over a month now. Him and I ended things mutually, so we're still friends.
The problem is that we are too, TOO friendly. I'm not going to explicitly state some of what we do cos uh... yeah, but,
we still say 'I love you' to each other and just, act like a couple. (At least, over text, because we are long-distance of course).
Also I am going to see him in less than two months. I'll be staying with him for three weeks in July, one with our friends (we're doing a hiking road trip),
and two with just him, staying at his apartment. Um, yeah, we're still friends, we were best friends
before we became a couple, but exes living together for two weeks? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Not that I regret making the choice though...
obviously I still am in love with him, a lot.
So I guess my big concern is that despite us acting like this, we still haven't spoken about what we are because
we are acting so couple-like. Literally how we used to act when we were together. And now I'm scared I'm entering into
situationship territory. I don't want to go there... we're either going to get married or we're just not romantically involved, at all.
But I'm so scared to bring this up to him and ask him what we are because despite me being so unsure,
I missed loving him and I missed feeling loved by him. I miss him and the idea of us, and I think I'd be willing to
shit on my self-respect just to have the illusion of us as a couple once again, even if I lose hours of sleep every night
pondering the status of our relationship. I don't want this to end and I'm scared that if I point this out, we're going to revert
back to being just friends again.
I really don't know what to do. I'm so torn and scared about bringing this up but it makes my heart ache and makes me feel
ashamed at myself for disrespecting myself so much.
depression ultimate | 31/03/25
aaaaa.... I've had a really shitty week. I haven't felt so depressed in ages.
I really hate being like this. I haven't felt like this since pre-exchange.
I'm not going to go into depth about the types of thoughts I've been having but they're not the greatest.
anywaaaay. I've updated the list of interesting things I'd like to write about. If I ever get to these, I'll create a new 'writings' tab on my homepage or something.
...I think that's all. It's an ever-growing list. Can you tell that my double degree is Economics and International Relations? lol.
I actually even already have an essay I'd like to post on here, because it's something I'm really interested in. It's a history of sinophobia, again mostly focused within Australia.
But because it's for one of my courses, and I'll probably refer back to it in my final big essay at some point, I'm scared of putting it online because I don't want TurnItIn to flag my essay as being plagiarised or anything.
I think maybe it'll be safer to post the essay once my course is done. I don't know, we'll see.
Also! (And I'm sure everybody's already heard all about this, but) the Nintendo Direct came out and TOMODACHI LIFE IS GETTING A SEQUEL?!!? LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!
I really just hope it'll be for the original switch too, and not a switch 2 exclusive... I don't have the money for that.
hello, I'm back | 13/03/25
haiii... if you follow me on neocities you'll know that I took a short little break for my mental health. Some stuff has happened and it reeeeeally got me fucked up to say the least. But, it's in the past, and I'm mostly okay now :) my (ex) boyfriend and I agreed to break up, but we're still really good friends, so that's good. I'm not arsed to delete the 'I <3 my BF' blinkies and stuff I have saved in my graphics because honestly... I'm too lazy for that lmao.
Uni has been pretty intense, I have so many assignments and like two exams in one week... that is a fortnight away, so it's helped me in taking my mind off everything.
anyway, I've been gone but still browsing neocities every now and then to again, distract myself lol.
Also I did properly code some stuff! I coded a new page as a way to get my feelings out... it's a page layout that I think is really cool, but because it's so depressing and personal to me, I don't think I'll ever publish it online. Think I'll just keep it to myself for now.
I've been applying for graduate programs, streams, internships, etc. I should graduate by the end of the year (if I'm lucky) and it's pretty nervewracking. But I think if I don't get into any, I'll just go ahead and do my Masters degree, which I've been strongly considering anyway.
yikes, this entry is all over the place. I have a little to-do list for my site:
anyway, I'll think about it.
So tired lel | 28/02/25
Okay, now that uni has started, I can confirm that it is indeed, beating my ass. Furthermore despite me overloading for this sem (and I plan to next sem as well) as well as planning to take an additional Spring course, I still don't even know if I'll be able to graduate on time!!!! Hooray??? What's the point of all this?? My parents are gonna beat my ass when they find our frfr.
Ummm, okay, other than that, and the fact that every day I am swarmed with quizzes, readings, homework etc...
Also, I've started playing Metal Gear Solid 1 on my PSVita (it's hacked with Adrenaline, a PSP emulator, I highly suggest doing this if you haven't yet) and it's so fun ^_^ was recommended by my boyfriend to play it and I think I've got about 5-6 hours on it now. I wanna have an actual PSP as well though (╥﹏╥) I love how the psp looks, it seems so retro-futuristic (is this oxymoronic?? I have no other way to describe it). But I have a well-functioning hacked Vita... but vitas just don't look as cool as the psp, I'm sorry!!!!! Ahhhh, what to do??
i h8 uni | 07/02/25
uni hasn't even started yet, but it's already creating such big headaches for me. I have such major clashes in my timetable I think I'm going to have to drop one of my courses, which really sucks because this was a course I actually found very interesting in my extremely-difficult degree. also, i'm overloading for the semester, which means I'm already taking on an extra course than the usual load. yippee. All the more reason for me to continue taking my daily afternoon depression naps.
meh ... | 02/02/25
meh. That's all I can really say as to how I feel. I still feel sad and empty about what's happened. It doesn't help that my mother keeps interrogating me about it cos she could tell something was up. But I've spoken enough about this, so I don't really want to continue.
Being back home after five months living overseas is weird. I'm just reminded how much I don't like it here. I wanna go back already.
Also, I'm late, but The Weeknd's new album came out. I think it's okay, there are definitely some bangers on there. I'm considering maybe going to his concert.
Also I got a new Macbook, so hopefully this will make coding a lot easier.
feelings r gross | 28/01/25
Well, this is the reason why I thought I'd start a blog in the first place. Because loving somebody has hurt so much I needed more than just my tiny little moleskine or the letter I'm writing to him to get all my feelings out.
I never want to be this vulnerable again. I never want to attach myself so strongly to someone again. Because the pain when everything ends is unbearable, and even despite the happy moments the only thing my brain latches onto is the heaviness my heart feels when I think about him.
I started crying when I was with him, cuddling.
It was uncontrollable. It just happened. I feel so bad, so wrong, so stupid and so pathetic. I don't want to go through this again, not that I think I'll ever find someone like him. Somebody who understands me so well, who makes me feel so safe and comfortable and happy and content.
It's not fair. None of this is fair.
