hello, I'm back | 13/03/25
haiii... if you follow me on neocities you'll know that I took a short little break for my mental health. Some stuff has happened and it reeeeeally got me fucked up to say the least. But, it's in the past, and I'm mostly okay now :) my (ex) boyfriend and I agreed to break up, but we're still really good friends, so that's good. I'm not arsed to delete the 'I <3 my BF' blinkies and stuff I have saved in my graphics because honestly... I'm too lazy for that lmao.
Uni has been pretty intense, I have so many assignments and like two exams in one week... that is a fortnight away, so it's helped me in taking my mind off everything.
anyway, I've been gone but still browsing neocities every now and then to again, distract myself lol.
Also I did properly code some stuff! I coded a new page as a way to get my feelings out... it's a page layout that I think is really cool, but because it's so depressing and personal to me, I don't think I'll ever publish it online. Think I'll just keep it to myself for now.
I've been applying for graduate programs, streams, internships, etc. I should graduate by the end of the year (if I'm lucky) and it's pretty nervewracking. But I think if I don't get into any, I'll just go ahead and do my Masters degree, which I've been strongly considering anyway.
yikes, this entry is all over the place. I have a little to-do list for my site:
anyway, I'll think about it.
So tired lel | 28/02/25
Okay, now that uni has started, I can confirm that it is indeed, beating my ass. Furthermore despite me overloading for this sem (and I plan to next sem as well) as well as planning to take an additional Spring course, I still don't even know if I'll be able to graduate on time!!!! Hooray??? What's the point of all this?? My parents are gonna beat my ass when they find our frfr.
Ummm, okay, other than that, and the fact that every day I am swarmed with quizzes, readings, homework etc...
Also, I've started playing Metal Gear Solid 1 on my PSVita (it's hacked with Adrenaline, a PSP emulator, I highly suggest doing this if you haven't yet) and it's so fun ^_^ was recommended by my boyfriend to play it and I think I've got about 5-6 hours on it now. I wanna have an actual PSP as well though (╥﹏╥) I love how the psp looks, it seems so retro-futuristic (is this oxymoronic?? I have no other way to describe it). But I have a well-functioning hacked Vita... but vitas just don't look as cool as the psp, I'm sorry!!!!! Ahhhh, what to do??
i h8 uni | 07/02/25
uni hasn't even started yet, but it's already creating such big headaches for me. I have such major clashes in my timetable I think I'm going to have to drop one of my courses, which really sucks because this was a course I actually found very interesting in my extremely-difficult degree. also, i'm overloading for the semester, which means I'm already taking on an extra course than the usual load. yippee. All the more reason for me to continue taking my daily afternoon depression naps.
meh ... | 02/02/25
meh. That's all I can really say as to how I feel. I still feel sad and empty about what's happened. It doesn't help that my mother keeps interrogating me about it cos she could tell something was up. But I've spoken enough about this, so I don't really want to continue.
Being back home after five months living overseas is weird. I'm just reminded how much I don't like it here. I wanna go back already.
Also, I'm late, but The Weeknd's new album came out. I think it's okay, there are definitely some bangers on there. I'm considering maybe going to his concert.
Also I got a new Macbook, so hopefully this will make coding a lot easier.
feelings r gross | 28/01/25
Well, this is the reason why I thought I'd start a blog in the first place. Because loving somebody has hurt so much I needed more than just my tiny little moleskine or the letter I'm writing to him to get all my feelings out.
I never want to be this vulnerable again. I never want to attach myself so strongly to someone again. Because the pain when everything ends is unbearable, and even despite the happy moments the only thing my brain latches onto is the heaviness my heart feels when I think about him.
I started crying when I was with him, cuddling.
It was uncontrollable. It just happened. I feel so bad, so wrong, so stupid and so pathetic. I don't want to go through this again, not that I think I'll ever find someone like him. Somebody who understands me so well, who makes me feel so safe and comfortable and happy and content.
It's not fair. None of this is fair.
