I am a l<3vergirl| 15/04/25
So, one thing about me is that I am a lovergirl at heart. If I date someone I want to marry them and
grow old with them and everything, and I only operate like that. No hookups, no situationships - life is too
fucking short for that bs and I'm not wasting my time with somebody!!!! This is why I've only dated
one person my entire life.
...and now him and I have been broken up for a bit over a month now. Him and I ended things mutually, so we're still friends.
The problem is that we are too, TOO friendly. I'm not going to explicitly state some of what we do cos uh... yeah, but,
we still say 'I love you' to each other and just, act like a couple. (At least, over text, because we are long-distance of course).
Also I am going to see him in less than two months. I'll be staying with him for three weeks in July, one with our friends (we're doing a hiking road trip),
and two with just him, staying at his apartment. Um, yeah, we're still friends, we were best friends
before we became a couple, but exes living together for two weeks? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Not that I regret making the choice though...
obviously I still am in love with him, a lot.
So I guess my big concern is that despite us acting like this, we still haven't spoken about what we are because
we are acting so couple-like. Literally how we used to act when we were together. And now I'm scared I'm entering into
situationship territory. I don't want to go there... we're either going to get married or we're just not romantically involved, at all.
But I'm so scared to bring this up to him and ask him what we are because despite me being so unsure,
I missed loving him and I missed feeling loved by him. I miss him and the idea of us, and I think I'd be willing to
shit on my self-respect just to have the illusion of us as a couple once again, even if I lose hours of sleep every night
pondering the status of our relationship. I don't want this to end and I'm scared that if I point this out, we're going to revert
back to being just friends again.
I really don't know what to do. I'm so torn and scared about bringing this up but it makes my heart ache and makes me feel
ashamed at myself for disrespecting myself so much.
depression ultimate | 31/03/25
aaaaa.... I've had a really shitty week. I haven't felt so depressed in ages.
I really hate being like this. I haven't felt like this since pre-exchange.
I'm not going to go into depth about the types of thoughts I've been having but they're not the greatest.
anywaaaay. I've updated the list of interesting things I'd like to write about. If I ever get to these, I'll create a new 'writings' tab on my homepage or something.
...I think that's all. It's an ever-growing list. Can you tell that my double degree is Economics and International Relations? lol.
I actually even already have an essay I'd like to post on here, because it's something I'm really interested in. It's a history of sinophobia, again mostly focused within Australia.
But because it's for one of my courses, and I'll probably refer back to it in my final big essay at some point, I'm scared of putting it online because I don't want TurnItIn to flag my essay as being plagiarised or anything.
I think maybe it'll be safer to post the essay once my course is done. I don't know, we'll see.
Also! (And I'm sure everybody's already heard all about this, but) the Nintendo Direct came out and TOMODACHI LIFE IS GETTING A SEQUEL?!!? LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!
I really just hope it'll be for the original switch too, and not a switch 2 exclusive... I don't have the money for that.
hello, I'm back | 13/03/25
haiii... if you follow me on neocities you'll know that I took a short little break for my mental health. Some stuff has happened and it reeeeeally got me fucked up to say the least. But, it's in the past, and I'm mostly okay now :) my (ex) boyfriend and I agreed to break up, but we're still really good friends, so that's good. I'm not arsed to delete the 'I <3 my BF' blinkies and stuff I have saved in my graphics because honestly... I'm too lazy for that lmao.
Uni has been pretty intense, I have so many assignments and like two exams in one week... that is a fortnight away, so it's helped me in taking my mind off everything.
anyway, I've been gone but still browsing neocities every now and then to again, distract myself lol.
Also I did properly code some stuff! I coded a new page as a way to get my feelings out... it's a page layout that I think is really cool, but because it's so depressing and personal to me, I don't think I'll ever publish it online. Think I'll just keep it to myself for now.
I've been applying for graduate programs, streams, internships, etc. I should graduate by the end of the year (if I'm lucky) and it's pretty nervewracking. But I think if I don't get into any, I'll just go ahead and do my Masters degree, which I've been strongly considering anyway.
yikes, this entry is all over the place. I have a little to-do list for my site:
anyway, I'll think about it.
So tired lel | 28/02/25
Okay, now that uni has started, I can confirm that it is indeed, beating my ass. Furthermore despite me overloading for this sem (and I plan to next sem as well) as well as planning to take an additional Spring course, I still don't even know if I'll be able to graduate on time!!!! Hooray??? What's the point of all this?? My parents are gonna beat my ass when they find our frfr.
Ummm, okay, other than that, and the fact that every day I am swarmed with quizzes, readings, homework etc...
Also, I've started playing Metal Gear Solid 1 on my PSVita (it's hacked with Adrenaline, a PSP emulator, I highly suggest doing this if you haven't yet) and it's so fun ^_^ was recommended by my boyfriend to play it and I think I've got about 5-6 hours on it now. I wanna have an actual PSP as well though (╥﹏╥) I love how the psp looks, it seems so retro-futuristic (is this oxymoronic?? I have no other way to describe it). But I have a well-functioning hacked Vita... but vitas just don't look as cool as the psp, I'm sorry!!!!! Ahhhh, what to do??
i h8 uni | 07/02/25
uni hasn't even started yet, but it's already creating such big headaches for me. I have such major clashes in my timetable I think I'm going to have to drop one of my courses, which really sucks because this was a course I actually found very interesting in my extremely-difficult degree. also, i'm overloading for the semester, which means I'm already taking on an extra course than the usual load. yippee. All the more reason for me to continue taking my daily afternoon depression naps.
meh ... | 02/02/25
meh. That's all I can really say as to how I feel. I still feel sad and empty about what's happened. It doesn't help that my mother keeps interrogating me about it cos she could tell something was up. But I've spoken enough about this, so I don't really want to continue.
Being back home after five months living overseas is weird. I'm just reminded how much I don't like it here. I wanna go back already.
Also, I'm late, but The Weeknd's new album came out. I think it's okay, there are definitely some bangers on there. I'm considering maybe going to his concert.
Also I got a new Macbook, so hopefully this will make coding a lot easier.
feelings r gross | 28/01/25
Well, this is the reason why I thought I'd start a blog in the first place. Because loving somebody has hurt so much I needed more than just my tiny little moleskine or the letter I'm writing to him to get all my feelings out.
I never want to be this vulnerable again. I never want to attach myself so strongly to someone again. Because the pain when everything ends is unbearable, and even despite the happy moments the only thing my brain latches onto is the heaviness my heart feels when I think about him.
I started crying when I was with him, cuddling.
It was uncontrollable. It just happened. I feel so bad, so wrong, so stupid and so pathetic. I don't want to go through this again, not that I think I'll ever find someone like him. Somebody who understands me so well, who makes me feel so safe and comfortable and happy and content.
It's not fair. None of this is fair.
